There is no greater (or more annoying) road to drive on than the tollway. Out of everyone I know (except for my old man) there is no one that drives on it more than me. I put a minimum of 100 miles a day on it, and for the last 2 years that’s been 7 days a week. And I think its time the line is drawn and the rules of the Tollway are set. Now i know going into this you’re all not going to agree. But I don’t give a fuck. If you have more than 2 speeding tickets in 10 years of driving you’re automatically deleted, and if you are only a “once in a while” visitor of the toll roads you don’t count either. I’m sorry. But this is for you to learn from and apply. This is for everyone. Cause like everything in life, we all need to get along and share.
I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now. And have come to the conclusion i cant write this about all toll roads. I90 see’s more traffic than my last girlfriends bed. There is no way rules can be set for that many people. You’re on your own. I suggest play defense. I355 is OK but i don’t travel it enough to love it or hate it. I294 is either a race track or a stand still. Your best bet is to cruise in the middle lanes and use your cruise control at 70. 290 (although not a toll road) is getting thrown in as one.
If you were to give an IQ test to everyone that drove on 290 and took an average of that, it would be considered in the mentally retarded range. Its god awful. Never in my life have i wanted to murder so many people in less than an hour. And finally that brings me to I88. Or as i tell people “The greatest road Ive ever driven on”. Here is a road that you can still drive 65mph in the middle of rush hour. A road that a day after 20″ of snow is clear to the point where it seems it didn’t snow at all. Where no matter how dark out it is, you can cruise down the road with your headlights off because it is so well lit up (don’t do this. I’m just saying). That being said, I’m going to use 88 as my reference when handing out these very official, very real rules of tollway driving.
I want to start off with the right two lanes. The “Trucks and Merging lanes” if you will. These lanes are fantastic. It keeps all slower traffic off to the side to avoid the first step to making “traffic jams”. Slow ass mother fuckers. These two lanes are where people who are not comfortable going faster than 60mph NEED TO STAY. The furthest lane to the right is the merging lane. This is all your traffic that is either entering or exiting the tollway. I’m going to lay down the law on this right now. If you choose to cruise in this lane it is your responsibility to make sure you do not interrupt traffic merging on. This means speeding up or moving over if you see someone ahead of you trying to merge on the tollway. By doing so you will help avoid any unnecessary accidents, or more importantly, any unnecessary road-rage. Respect the merge. The minimum speed for this lane is 55. If you cant go at least that speed you shouldn’t be on the tollway. You are an asshole. The lane right next to it I’m going to give a minimum speed of 60. These are safe operating speeds that will help with the overall flow of the tollway. Please respect my posted speeds in these lanes. I really don’t want to flick you off…but i will.
The next lane i designate as the “Cruising lane”. This is a great lane but people abuse it. This is the lane you should be able to set your cruise on, crank your radio, and put your arm out the window and make it go up and down like a wave in the ocean. Crusin’ is good. But assholes abuse it by going WAY too slow for the lane. I’m only going to say this once so listen up. The minimum speed for this lane is 70mph. Any slower and you need to go back into the truck and merging lanes. You are starting up traffic jams. And make me want to jam things up your ass. Please respect this lane. It is beautiful and needs to be treated so.
Finally, the “Passing lane”. This lane is not for the faint at heart. Pussies please don’t apply. This is the main lane for passing. This lane is where boys become men. But I’m going to set limits on this lane. 75-80mph MAX. Yes you read that right Dale Earnhart wannabes. There is no reason to go faster than 80 on the tollway. Anything higher is unsafe for others around you. Respect this or respect my foot in your face. You choose. My biggest beef with this lane is the oblivious drivers that use it. If you have a line of cars behind you, YOU NEED TO MOVE OVER. This is the most aggravating thing when it comes to the tollway. Please pay attention to what’s behind you at all times. Its just as important as what’s in front of you. Minimum speed of this lane is also 70, but as stated before, you need to move over for faster traffic. Don’t be a dick.
That covers lane usage. I think we can all agree it makes sense and we need to make a worldwide pact to respect my authority on all that is driving. One other thing that bugs me is the amount of people that don’t have an iPass. People it doesn’t cost money to have one and it cuts your toll charges in half. Even if you only use the tollway once a year STILL GET ONE. The money they take to charge it up never expires. Be smart people, this is 2011. Lets act accordingly.
I hope this has been helpful and insightful. I’m sure I’m forgetting things, so just like the Constitution we can add amendments. Please help me better the world. Voice your thoughts. Cause even I am not exempt from Doing it Wrong.
